Surviving Valentine month

Mushy month is upon us!

I love sentimental stuff, and I love romance – perhaps more than most women – but there’s soon going to be a surfeit of it.

It will be all around us, all pervading, all nauseating – we may want to break free.

We may crave order, not chaos; crave science, not romance.
(Just for a little while, NOT forever, come on!)

We may want facts, not fiction – so here is what I’m going to do: I am going to give you the facts on three sure-fire signs that your partner doesn’t quite like you.

Pay attention to the signs and you could walk out of a relationship that is based on dislike – or you could stay! Just do what suits you best.

The Signs

  1. You know your partner hates you when the only soap in the bathroom is a high-glycerine-based soap…

You’d think that glycerine in your shared bar of soap is a sign of sweetness and love – you’d be dreadfully wrong. It may be great for the skin in the winter, but IT DOES NOT Lather.

Bathers want lather!

Glycerine-based soaps convert the simple ritual of bathing into an ordeal that no partner should have to endure – a chore that takes three times longer is a chore indeed.

Why would your partner want you to be later for work than usual? I will answer this right at the end of this post.

If your partner stocks the shopping list, the bathroom, and the dressing room closet with glycerine-based soaps, it is a strong sign that love has died.

You should cut your losses and run!
Or should you? Check out the section: ‘solutions for people whose partners dislike them’ below.

  1. You know your partner can’t stand you when the newspaper boy drops two papers instead of one every morning…

Papers take time to read from end to end – two papers take three times longer to read – three times longer because newspapers get messed up and have to be periodically picked off the floor and sorted out, matched corner to corner, but then you end up putting the right pages in the right sequence in the wrong sports section. And then you start all over again!

So two papers take three times longer to read, which means you will be later than usual for work.

Which brings us back to ‘why would your partner want you to be late for work?’ I will try to answer this later, AFTER my ‘solutions for people whose partners dislike them’ section.

  1. You know the snake has entered the Garden of Eden when your partner goes shopping for a new blanket...

And buys one that is wider, thicker, better than the old one – don’t be misled by the ‘better’ and ‘newer’ – the accent is on ‘wider’ and ‘thicker’!

Wider means more space – more space between sleeping partners; and thicker means more artificial warmth – means partner is preparing to be rid of the hot water bottle…you!

The same scientific reasoning applies when you discover partner has heart set on a bigger (read ‘wider’) car. He says it’s because there’ll be more boot space, more leg space, but the truth that you pretend not to see is the space between the two front seats. It is a distance that spells doom for a caring, sharing relationship.

Solutions for people whose partners may dislike them

This blog is not about breaking up relationships, heavens no – but it is about being aware of what is going down. Don’t be an ostrich; you will only get sand in your eyes!

In my experience, the people reading this blog will be readily classifiable into two distinct groups:

Group 1 will be pop-eyed at how closely this blog mirrors what is happening in their lives.
My advice to you: Go home to mommy!

Group 2 will only identify with one or two of the clues listed above.
My advice to you:

Improvise, salvage, give the relationship another chance!
Here is what you can – MUST – do:

  1. Take away your partner’s shopping privileges...

Then, buy only regular, lathery soaps. It won’t stop partner from disliking you, but you will save 5-min from every hand wash and 15-min from every bath.

That is a cool saving of an hour-and-a-half per day if you are a physician, and …er…15-20 min if you are not. You can use this time to bring the partner back into your clutches. Use the Axe-effect (if male) and the lingerie-effect (if female).

Viola! Partner will be eating out of your hands!

  1. Bribe the newspaper boy

Offer the fellow double to routinely deliver only one paper, occasionally dropping a second one so partner doesn’t smell a rat. For another 50 rupees the boy will be willing to swear to a furious partner that he routinely drops both papers, God promise.

At his fervent avowal, partner might look at you with suspicion. Don’t stutter and stammer, thereby giving yourself away. Instead, whistle nonchalantly and poke and peer into the shrubbery ‘helpfully’ looking for the missing paper.

The advantage of getting rid of one newspaper is that you now have that much extra time on yours and partner’s hands.

Put that time to good use, as at point 1 above, taking the help of Axe and what not. This strategy is cheap and easy, and has mended many a breaking relationship.

  1. You have already taken away shopping privileges, so partner may not be able to buy that blanket or the car

But partners can be slimy – they may put mommy up to it…
So what – no sweat – make friends with mommy!

Go shopping with her and get a queen-sized blanket, NOT the sooper-dooper super-size one; however, if mommy is a Libra, DO NOT go shopping with her, because…but, that’s another blog post…

In that case keep a scissor handy. When partner isn’t home, trim the blanket down to cuddle-able size.

At partner’s grunt of surprise say something smart like ‘probably expands with use’ – please…don’t give the game away by snickering!

Feign shock at how narrow the sooper-dooper super-size blanket really is! Once you get partner into the narrow strip of a wrecked new blanket, do what you can to get partner to see your good points…

I think that about covers it.

Now all you have to do is sit and brood on where your relationship is going. Then decide if you want to boot out your partner, or work your booty off trying to save the relationship. It is, after all, Valentine month!

Oh, wait!
That nagging question that kept popping up…why would your partner want you to be late for work?

How could I possibly know? I’m scientific, but I’m not clairvoyant!

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