The Modern Woman’s bedside companion*
There is tons of literature on ‘lip-locking-for-first-timers’ written by self-professed gurus. This self-help, do-it-your-self manual is different because it is written for women by a woman. Thus, it addresses every woman’s first-kiss fears, and has practical tips that will bring home the
The tips should be followed in strict chronological order for immediate and best results.
- Identify the
victimlips that you want to kiss.
Practical advice 1: choose somebody you barely know. That way if it doesn’t work out, there will be no kissing-and-telling.
Practical advice 2: for the first kiss, chose a person without a moustache. For the uninitiated, tangling with a moustache can be a traumatic, life-changing experience. You could come out of it permanently scarred.
If you have limited choice in that department, I suggest you do the following: postpone your visit to the neighborhood beauty parlor by a month. Poison kills poison, if you know what I mean. The obnoxious shadow on your own upper lip could well save your skin!
- Chat amiably of this and that for precisely two minutes. Shorter spells will not break the ice, while longer chit-chat is misleading especially when your mission is to lead the guinea pig up the garden path, NOT to join him on a voyage of knowledge and wisdom.
- Abruptly change tack: flutter your eyelashes four to six times. Remember not to flutter too much or too fast. Too much and too fast will give the guinea pig the impression that you have a bit of sand in your eye. He will lean towards you not to satisfy your leanings, but to dig into your eye with an ineffectual handkerchief.
Practical advice 3: if it comes to that, stop fluttering, push away the handkerchief, erase the frown off your brow, and start from scratch.
- Lean ever so slightly towards the person of the other part, continuing an appropriate amount of fluttering.
Caution 1: It is of utmost importance to lean only the tiniest bit. Too much may topple you into his lap – a big mistake at this stage of the proceedings. Your first kiss will be swept under the carpet and replaced with ….but that is material for my next manual so I won’t bother you with details.
Caution 2: It is of utmost importance to lean only if you are wearing one of those blouses your grandmother keeps giving you for Diwali; the ones that are so high at the neck that you can barely breathe. Men are easily distracted; if you lean over in anything but the outfit described, they are likely to lose interest in your lips. Your first kiss will never happen – although other stuff might.
- Pucker. It is difficult, but most good things in life usually are. It is difficult to flutter, lean and pucker simultaneously, and each in the correct proportion. But it is only difficult the first few times. Soon it will be second nature. If you follow the manual in strict chronological order, soon you will be a seasoned multitasker.
- It is about to happen. No man in his right mind can resist a woman who flutters, leans and puckers simultaneously and in the right proportions. But WAIT!
- Did you remember to remove all lose dentures?
- Did you remember to chew chewing gum before the whole set up? Chewing gum is guaranteed to cause caries but it can transmorgify bad-breath into something quite tolerable, so is worth a try.
- Did you remember to spit out the chewing gum? There is nothing more certain to destroy a first kiss than the discovery that the lips being kissed are tightly stuck together by a gob of gum!
- Did you remember NOT to use the lipstick that smells and tastes like mustard gas? The one your best friend gave you fifteen years ago?
- Did you remember to stop fluttering? Oh dear! Close your eyes, immediately! Kissing with the eyes open is deadly. It causes the most grotesque contortions of the eyes. Your first kiss could cause a permanent squint, and might leave you short-sighted for ever!
- There! It’s done!
- Finally, jump up and LEAVE! You’ve had your first kiss, what are you sitting there looking so goofy for? GO!
The manual is a sure-shot way for an enterprising woman to get her first kiss without any side-effects! In that regard, Step 8 is probably the most critical of all the steps. Keep the manual by your side at all times until you have mastered the art and science of lip-locking!
*First published five years ago on my blog at Sulekha.com